“If you want me to touch you there, you have to ask for it,” he told me.
This statement filled me with conflicting emotions. There is a level where I find it very hard to ask for it. I’m an extremely sexually aggressive and libidinous woman, which can be intimidating for straight men. As a result, ironically, I often wait for my partner to make the first move so I don’t scare them off with my intensity. Women (even sex positive feminists like me) are socially programmed not to want it, and not to ask for it. Taking personal responsibility for crossing that line into sex – the irreversible line that can make everything potentially weird and confusing – is terrifying, yet empowering. As a result, I held out as long as I could, until I couldn’t hold out any more. “Touch me,” I said. When he finally touched me, it felt incredible.
Knowing that I was asking to be touched because I was ready, was so different than the rushed “consent” I had given in some past situations to please my partner. This was the true meaning of consent, and it didn’t feel like a barrier to pleasure at all. It was an erotic game, with a hint of a kinky power struggle. I could have whatever I wanted – but I had to be brave enough to ask for it. I wasn’t going to get my pleasure until I was absolutely sure that it was what I really wanted. And yes, I really wanted it.
What I learned from this experience is that there’s more than one way to discuss consent. Changing the conversation from “I want to do this, is that okay?” to “I want you to tell me if you want to do this” changes the dynamic of communication dramatically. Feeling that you truly have a choice in the matter, and that things will not go further than you’d like them to without your express permission creates a sense of trust that makes sex even hotter. Teasingly telling your partner that you won’t touch them unless they explicitly ask you to builds tension and desire, and removes the pressure to say yes if the answer is really “no” or “maybe.”” —Bianca James, “Have a Little Kink with Your Consent”
http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/sex/kink-with-consent-0227121/ (via electric-asherah)